you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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