I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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