You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
