genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
