You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
