He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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