I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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