im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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