Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
