I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize