I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
In America we eat man semen.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
