her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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