seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
