Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
