In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
me + whiskey = a bad person
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
