My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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