OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
