Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
