when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
