I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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