He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
