Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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