there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
so much tequila, so little girl.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
