Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
