Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
