well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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