The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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