your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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