Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
