I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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