you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
