I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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