Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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