Even the bartender felt bad for me
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
