The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
