i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
