whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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