2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
