I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
