Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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