Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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