i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
