So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
