alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
