12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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