when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
