Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
