I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
