Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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