dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
